Before Offering Advice To Adult Children Consider This One Question
Restrain the tendency to give unsolicited advice to adult children, or any grownup.
When I decided to marry at the ripe old age of 19, I did not seek my parents’ advice. They thought it was a terrible idea (spoiler alert: they were right) but they did not let on. Had they, I would not have listened. And I would have been angry. I knew what I was doing.
At a certain age, we all become experts. We have advice for friends, co-workers, acquaintances, and, of course, our adult children. Whether married, divorced, remarried or never-married, we believe we know what everyone else should do on these matters, and myriad others, from work, to end-of-life choices.
Do we have a crystal ball in which we can see the future? I think not. Do we believe we’re right? Yes, we do. Are we right? That’s open to debate.
Consider how you feel when you get home, something’s gone terribly wrong in your day and you’re excitedly telling your partner about it.
Do you want advice in that moment? Maybe, but often, you just want to vent.
Consider what happens when your partner starts problem-solving for you, i.e., offering unsolicited advice. If you’re like most people, it’s infuriating: He thinks he knows better than me, She doesn’t understand what I need, and so on.
Even worse, you come home and talk about the problem, which you have already taken steps to solve, and your partner tells you, or implies, that you did the wrong thing or could have done something better. Ugh. That’s definitely grounds for outrage.
Just imagine how similar conversations go with an adult child. They can get pretty hot when a parent starts giving advice or judging actions. How dare they! I’m not 12!
Herein lies the problem we face when dealing with our adult children. Because we often still think of them as children, it’s easy to believe they need our guidance and wise counsel when faced with big decisions and difficult situations.
When my son was seriously dating a woman who, for reasons unknown, did not like me, I knew I had to keep my mouth shut. Tightly shut.
I realized how often my friends and clients offer advice to their kids, completely unsolicited, and it turns into a huge conflict, about which my friends and clients lament, I was only trying to be helpful.
Practice Restraint With The One Question (and its variations)
When my parents were faced with my poor life choice, they did not ask the one question:
Would you like to know what we think?
Had they asked, I would have said yes, and, more or less politely, listened. I probably wouldn’t have followed their advice (I suppose they knew that) but would have been okay with the respect shown by the ask.
When faced with a situation in which your child is about to do something (or has done something), is involved with someone you deem problematic, or is contemplating something big (marriage, buying a house, changing jobs) it’s good to ask the one question before offering your advice.
The one question is also a memo to self: I’ll just check in to see if they want input as I remind myself that I have no control over this and certainly do not want to get into a conflict about it.
Your kid is grown…they don’t have to listen to what you say. If you’re invited to give an opinion, Yes mom, I would love to know what you think, it’s a lot harder to completely ignore what you’ve got to say. Although they still may, and you need to be prepared for that.
You can also consider variations on the one question, like:
What do you need right now? Would you like suggestions?
Sometimes you see that your child would like support for their point of view, one with which you do not agree. This is a tough one, since you don’t want to lie and it’s dicey to express an opinion that you know will not be welcome.
To this dilemma I say, silence is golden.
As is often the case with you and your partner, sometimes your kid just wants to let off steam, be self-righteously indignant or let you know how tough things are. They’re not questioning their position, they don’t want to hear they’re overreacting and they don’t want suggestions or to be told what to do. That’s why asking about their purpose in the conversation can be helpful.
Along these lines, other useful questions/statements:
Do you just need to vent?
Tell me more about your thoughts.
Wow! That’s a big decision.
Do You Have a Duty to Intervene?
Some people believe that if the adult child is about to make what appears to be a terrible choice it is one’s parental duty to intervene. I disagree. Unless your adult child is a total dolt, they know there’s an issue and don’t need mommy or daddy to point it out. Honestly, your kid usually knows what you think anyway, don’t they? They can tell by the look on your face, the sound of your breath on the phone or how long it takes you to respond to their text.
You can always take time to consider whether or not to dive in, a useful strategy for many fraught situations. There are few things that cannot wait an hour, two or 24. Maybe 48. You might change your mind about intervening.
And yes, if someone is about to go off a cliff, you’ve got to tell them. But this is providing information — maybe they missed the end-of-trail sign — not giving advice. Objective danger is quite different than the usual life and love issues we’re faced with.
The Upside of Restraint
Think of the positives. You are empowering your adult child by affording them agency to make their own decisions. It will help their independence and confidence to know that you trust them to make good choices. Oh, wait, you don’t trust them? Well, it’s too late now. You’ve done your job and, like you, they will make their own mistakes.
It’s also good for the future of your relationship. Each time you give only the input you’re asked for, without prescribing the “correct solution,” you’re letting your child know they can come to you with issues, and you’ll be there for them in a respectful way. You’re treating them as an equal. You no longer know better than they do. Really, you probably don’t
It wasn’t until well into my own parenthood that I realized my parents almost never gave me unsolicited advice. When they did, because it was so rare, I could listen without fury. They didn’t consider themselves experts in everything just because they’d been alive longer. It was a great gift, because I think it’s made me a better parent.
An earlier version of this article was published at YourTango.com.
Judith Tutin, PhD is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. Connect with her at drjudithtutin.com where you can request a free coaching call to bring more passion, fun and wellness to your life.
